How many times have you awaken in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try,
you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your
house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The
Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the
drunk by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large
batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following
fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus, or one of his many
sub-contractors, detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer
Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their
bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a
large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so
much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking
Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers
a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good
intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments
In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those
parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another, and quite often lost time is regained
in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru
chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another
question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe
up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised
shins.

PS. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

Subject: Drunks Say the darndest things



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart
of
milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was
unloading
her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her,
watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier..
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on the
belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said,
"Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?"
>> The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."